I once expected something to happen, at the wrong time in the wrong place. So I didn't really expect it. I didn't believe in anything - I wanted it and thought it could somehow be if I just kept wanting it enough, even if I felt like I couldn't do anything, like my perspective wasn't open enough to know how to act, when to act.
I think more and more I have been curling into myself. Feeling tired, feeling individual moments, too much uncomfortable, wrong in some way, curling in to sadness, helplessness, isolation. Too familiar as happening, like in some way I saw years ago, like I can't tell the imagination that there is a difference between reality and dreams and nightmares and what's really happening now. It keeps going wrong, dragging at me, I continue to be so polite, I just say less to people... I feel like I will die, that I will circle inward until I can't feel anything else ever until there is one moment left.
Sometimes I feel like my bones have been broken & sometimes I feel like they are singing to me, comforting me to just sleep when I feel like I am circling in on the last moment some final mistake an ultimate reality. But this is drowned out by softly singing bones. As if my body loves me and wants me to live.
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