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naam: Amdulka
latijns:aleurochiton aceris

To Amdulka 		i don't like self-advertising Amdulka, 08 Aug 2023 11:50
but feel free to check out my blog. it's my space to practise and experiment with writing. I write about heavy topics, so approach with caution. feel free to say hi in the comments section!

girlinurwalls.wordpress.com/

To Amdulka 		I'm sorry for Amdulka, 03 Aug 2023 15:18
destroying myself this way. I'm sorry for my vanity. I'm sorry that i keep brushing my fingers over my bones when we're together. I'm sorry I didn't finish your mother's cooking, I'm sorry I vomited the sandwich you gave me. I'm sorry that I'm killing myself. I'm sorry I'm evaporating. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

To Sjeu 		Sometimes I wonder if Sjeu, 04 Aug 2023 11:49
taking off my mask
from time to time
once I feel safe
around you..

Is lingering self-loath,
somewhat disguised.
That in some way..
It's a self fulfilling
prophecy, which
from impulsive
vulnerability,
wants to be
destroyed
by you
again.

To Sjeu 		Just translated from Dutch language Sjeu, 04 Aug 2023 12:44
Phrases I wrote in my early 20's after feeling the part of me that, in some way already knew, the guy I was seeing didn't have my best interest at heart. Still I would keep on collecting red flags and wipe his wrecking, wacky ways under a rug. I just wanted to believe I was lovable. But I couldn't love him. He'd gaslight after violent rapes, emotional and physical abuse. He took me away from an awful situation, only to isolate me and torture in an even worse manner. But familiar, so I kept shut.

To Amdulka 		i am so sorry Amdulka, 08 Aug 2023 11:52
this has happened to you. i've gone through a similar experience, but at 15. Thankfully I wasn't capable of understanding what was happening to me. I didn't even phantom it until I was 17-18. I hope you're doing okay now x

To Jogchem 		for what it's worth Jogchem, 09 Aug 2023 14:17
You're forgiven.

Would be nice if it worked that way.

nobodyhere.com/justme/apologies.here

To Amdulka 		I am officially moving out of my Amdulka, 30 Jun 2023 18:03
childhood home tomorrow. I'm insanely excited to be finally able to take a breath of freedom and individuality. But at the same time I'm sat here looking around my childhood bedroom. Thinking about the memories these walls could speak of. All the tears shed and laughter heard. The nights of last summer when I would read my favourite book over and over and drink wine and would feel so content.

To Amdulka 		It's a very bittersweet feeling. Amdulka, 30 Jun 2023 18:05
But I love bittersweet things. Those are the things that remind me that I'm alive. You want to cry with joy and sorrow and scream at the sky. You feel your heart sinking but at the same time you see the light of hope in your reflection in the mirror.
I guess this is one of those things.

To Sjeu 		Yay! Sjeu, 01 Jul 2023 21:21
Big day :- )

And sodade. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves.

youtu.be/Y2cHuTrhH1Y

To Nobody 		that was beautiful... Nobody, 09 Jul 2023 19:51
thanks!

To Nobody 		thanks! Nobody, 09 Jul 2023 19:51
thanks for that little peek into your childhood home and mind. freedom versus comforting familiarity... a recurring theme. please keep sharing these musings...

To Amdulka 		thank you, intend to do so, Amdulka, 10 Jul 2023 22:08
this space feels very comforting and safe. It's a place where I can talk about things that people wouldn't normally understand. A place where I can rave about things I love and my experiences that are currently shaping my life. My boyfriend is sitting beside me. I gave him a peek at this site and he loves it. He finds it cute :)
thank you for everything

To Amdulka 		I've started dating this guy a few Amdulka, 30 Jun 2023 09:22
weeks ago. We get along great and have amazing chemistry. But my brain is getting the better of me constantly asks me if he's ''the one''. And while I don't believe in soulmates or ''the one'' I can't help but wonder. I would like to believe that there is one designated person for everyone that we're destined to meet and spend the rest of our lives with. And sometimes it seems true. It's my friends and relatives who swear on god their spouse is their soulmate. That they are destined to be.

To Amdulka 		but what if that ''one'' person doesn't Amdulka, 30 Jun 2023 09:26
exist for me? this man I am seeing is great and he likes me a lot. But we don't see the world in the same way, which is something my friends tell me soulmates do. But what if he's willing to listen and wants to see the world through my eyes? even if it's just for a bit. And what if I'm willing to do the same for him?
What if soulmates are made and not just destined to be? I know it's a long shot to call someone I've known for 2 months a soulmate but I'm a hopeless romantic, that will latch onto

To Amdulka 		any string of hope there is? Amdulka, 30 Jun 2023 09:27
I hope all of you are well. I hope the universe is treating you well, and I hope you are treating yourselves well.

To Sjeu 		Hope can help build a desire Sjeu, 01 Jul 2023 20:11
Like you, I used to be a hopeless romantic. It didn't work out as I hoped. You've probably heard about girls that didn't feel loved by their dad and therefor would believe any man offering love, even if there was none.

Predators spot their prey immaculately.

I learned that if a man is into you, he will let you know. You wouldn't have any doubt about it. When you feel wishywashy about a relation/ situation-ship, it's probably because you're sensing mixed signals..

Few exceptions there..Try?

To Sjeu 		At the same time Sjeu, 01 Jul 2023 21:00
I don't know if I'd recognize 'the one' for me even if there where subtitles..

~ What you want isn't always what you need and visa versa.

Hope you have found or will find your perfect match! And please keep us posted if you like.

Also I hope that the universe fluffs it's miracle quotum and sends me a compatible match too when it does. Nothing less though! I've reached the point where I get to discover and enjoy the good side of life. :- )

To Amdulka 		thank you for your kind message, Amdulka, 02 Jul 2023 11:33
he is currently sitting beside me and I couldn't be more sure likes me. He's very much into me and I'm very much into him. It's a beautiful, colourful and passionate start of a relationship. He helped me move in yesterday. After many failed situationships I'm sure this man wants to stay by my side for as long as possible. Don't really know why, though. I keep overthinking the reason and subsequently sabotaging myself and making myself feel bad- only because I have a poor self-esteem.

To Amdulka 		and i really hope you find the one Amdulka, 02 Jul 2023 11:37
you're looking for. Everyone deserves companionship, love and tenderness. They're out there, somewhere, waiting for you. I know you'll find your path to them (or the path will find you) :)

To Sjeu 		How someone shows up beside you Sjeu, 02 Jul 2023 12:43
and how they make you feel is usually telling a lot. Actions mostly speak louder then words. Wonderful to notice you're honest and frank with each other. Communication and holding space vs. holding back seems the sure way to go. Sounds very good the way you describe it and your journey together is also great food for your eloquent writing skills. To be each others muse can bring out the best in both. Enjoy yourselves dears!

To Amdulka 		i don't mean to spam this board with Amdulka, 07 Jun 2023 17:15
my messages. I'm just ecstatic that i've found this cozy corner of the internet. i've always loved words; how they can be combined in ways that pull on one's heartstrings. ever since i was little i was fascinated by this. how things as small as words can create vast universes, make you drench your pillowcase or make you laugh so hard you can't catch a breath. perhaps that's why i study language; literature specifically. I can't wait to share my humble collection of things i've written.

To Sjeu 		Yes, free expression through language Sjeu, 08 Jun 2023 09:23
adds value in many layers and storytelling is a great instrument. Which genres do you prefer?

This might be a nice place to pave your precious words. I've been 'spamming' to maintain some movement here. Hoping to invite others to express themselves too. Didn't quit work out that way though..
I'd love this to be a warm and safe space for creative expression. To share, support and inspire each other.

The initiator and designer used to have a great idea for that, I guess it got a bit on hold..

nobodyhere.com/bugpool.hier

To Nobody 		thanks! Nobody, 29 Jun 2023 22:29
and welcome! feel free to pop by whenever...

To Amdulka 		exam Amdulka, 07 Jun 2023 07:54
my dearest bugs,
I have not slept well and I feel broken, both inside and out. I need to drag my weary body to my university to sit an exam, for which I have studied profusely, but I still don't believe in my abilities.
Wish me luck and less pain throughout the day

To Sjeu 		You will totally rock this I'm sure Sjeu, 07 Jun 2023 11:31
There's only so much you can do to prepare and you gave it your all! Yes these are very exciting times and no wonder you are impacted by your nerves at this time, but you'll do just fine :- ) You're doing things right, shout out to you and all your efforts. A true YAY for YOU!

media.giphy.com/media/d3MM4vAejYomlzGg/giphy.gif

To Amdulka 		thank you! Amdulka, 07 Jun 2023 14:34
thank you for the encouraging words! I think I did okay. I'll get the results during the week.
You're right, these are very exciting times. I constantly learn something new, I meet new people and make beautiful connections. I'm eternally grateful that I get to study something I love and hold so dear to my heart.
Hope you're doing well x

To Sjeu 		So good to see Sjeu, 07 Jun 2023 15:06
your attitude of gratitude! Love to hear about your study and your story on why it is so close to your heart. To turn a passion into practice might well be the best way to bliss, so due props to you :- )

To Amdulka 		well, Amdulka, 07 Jun 2023 17:02
i've passed my exam! and with that i finished this semester (and the whole academic year).
it's time for a well deserved break.

To Sjeu 		Congrats :- ) Sjeu, 07 Jun 2023 22:14
Enjoy your break!



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